Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It is Going to Get Easier as I Go

 "I don't think I can continue to do this every day," I moaned to my daughter as we neared the subway station. The heavy case holding my seventeen inch laptop, my moccasins, and various other neccessities was growing heavier by the minute, and my arthretic hips were complaining loudly at the abuse of the seven block walk. My emotions had already been knocked around far too much and I was not handling the new challenge very well.

That was a week and a half ago.  I didn't think I could do it.  When I got on the subway that first time and realized that I would have to stand up I was sure I could never do it again, and then a Heaven sent young student offered me his seat. The Lord knew I needed that little act of kindness to get me through the ordeal. It broke me up.

I can walk the six blocks to the subway with a swing in my step these days almost like Maria on her way to the VonTrap home. And the subway has never again been too full for me to find a seat. It is amazing how quickly I have gained the strenght I need for the journey to the station. Do my hips still hurt some times? Sure. And do I enjoy doing the subway yet? Not really. But I am conquering the walk and the subway.

When Bruce first woke up from his open heart surgery, and I saw his changed swollen features and knew something was wrong, I thought I couldn't handle it. And when I realized that Bruce's brain was confused and I would have to be the one to stand strong I was ready to break down, but God offered me the respite I needed when I needed it.

The day in ICU when Bruce did almost nothing but moan and couldn't seem to form any words, it nearly broke my heart.  I was despondant and didn't think I could stand any more. I was at a desparate low. Bruce was staring streight ahead and didn't seem to be acknowleging me. It was awful. But then, just before I left for the night, something happened that gave me the hope I needed.

Every night of our forty three years of married life, as long as we were together, I would tell Bruce that I loved him and he would do the same for me, so before I left the hospital I lifted his oxygen mask and kissed him good night and told him that I loved him.  And then I saw him start to stir, and after a struggle he began forming the words.  "I - love - you."  It was barly audible, and it would have been hard for anyone else to understand but I heard it, and there are just no words to describe what it did for me that day.

The road we are on is still not easy.  And there are still times when it really hurts, and today is one of those days.  His mind is off on a tangent today and I feel like I can't handle it.  And yet the victories of the past encourage me.  I know that each episode helps me gain a little strength and I am blessed.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. "

"God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way of escape that you will be able to bear it."

For the next post read Apology

For the previous post see:  In everything Give Thanks

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