Friday, February 28, 2014

Letting the grief seep

"I don't know what is the matter with me," I confided to Paula, the pastor's wife. "I am a person who can't get through a testimony without crying, and yet now, when I should be wallowing in grief, I have cried very little."

Each of my children and grandchildren have been dealing with their grief in there own way.  Our son dealt with it in part while writing a wonderful eulogy:

 The younger set seem to shake it off easier, though maybe not as easily as we think.

But for me, he was a part of me.  We shared our life together for forty seven years. Every night of our marriage I told him that I loved him.  I still do.  So why am I not bawling my eyes out?

My biggest crying time is while I am in prayer, and maybe that is where the secret lies.  I have been so overwhelmed with thankfulness these last few days. 

Yes THANKFULNESS.  I can't help thinking of how God gave us these extra last three years together, and how He answered Bruce's plea for me by giving me the coconut oil business to keep me going; and how I can know for certain that I will see Bruce again; and how he is now probably greeting those to whom he played a major role in directing to that Heavenly shore.

There is so much to be thankful for that when I start to pray I usually burst out into tears of gratitude. 

But I am just beginning to realize that, while I am crying those tears of thanksgiving, the grief is seeping out as well.

For the next post see: So much for letting the grief seep
For the previous post see: Walking the path without him

Monday, February 24, 2014

Walking the path without him

After forty-seven years of walking together, our roads have divided for a time.  The Lord led Bruce home.

Now I have to walk my path without him, but I am not alone.  And I know that I am still being led.

How scary it would be if it wasn't for the fact that the one who knows everything, and loves me beyond measure, is the same one who is directing my path and holding my hand.

For the next post see: Letting the Grief seep
For the previous post see: God truly has led us along

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

God truly has led us along

I am giving thanks today.  I have cried a bit, but not with bitter tears, and I have pretended just a little bit too, but in total, my day has been about thanksgiving.

How precious these extra years have been that the Lord blessed us with.

The Lord told Bruce almost four years ago that he would extend his years just as he had extended Hezekiah's days.  Then, after nearing death's door in December of 2010, God directed me to use coconut oil, just as he had instructed Hezekiah to use figs,  and by February of 2011, Bruce had recovered enough to be part of his grandson's wedding.

Within a short time the Lord gave us the Shiloh Farm Products business, and gave Bruce the strength and wisdom to run it.

We have been given the opportunity to help many people who are hurting or in need of healing.  We have given our testimony whenever we get a chance.  And we have made many new wonderful friends.  I have also been given the gift of a means of income that I wouldn't have had before.  God is so good.

I have to be honest.  When I look at this picture, I can't help but want him back.  But then I think about the joy that he is experiencing on the other side, and I love him enough to be happy for him.

God led him home and I will continue to be thankful.  (even while I am shedding those bottled tears)

For the next post see: Walking the path without him
For the previous post see: Forty seventh anniversary

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Forty-seventh anniversary and then Home

As I rub coconut oil over the rash that is spreading over Bruce's body I am overwhelmed by the love that is unleashed through my hands.  It has been forty-seven years since I promised  to love honor and cherish him till death do us part, and this anniversary I feel that love more than ever.

If I had seen a picture of today, during those early years of marriage, I would have been horrified.  But the love builds and becomes more and more powerful.  God designed this well.

The homecare worker suggested taking him to a hospice  but I wanted him home, and he wanted to be home.  He came yesterday and has enjoyed being with family and in his own environment.  He had more energy, or maybe just more motivation to stay alert. 

The night was still difficult for him, so I was up for a while reading the Bible to him, but then he noticed that I was getting tired and that concerned him so I went back to bed, and he went back to sleep with a background of good music.

Thanks everyone for all your prayers.

For the next post see:God truly has led us along
For the previous post see: Improving I hope

Sunday, February 02, 2014

Improving I hope

Yesterday and the day before, I made most of Bruce's meals rather then let him eat hospital "food". Yesterday he didn't take his blood pressure pills. (His blood pressure is not that high, and they don't even monitor it anymore) or his antibiotics (which they were giving him just in case he gets an infection)

Yesterday, when the family was here, he was more alert than he had been before. Today he was even better, and not quite so jaundiced.

I know that people think we are in denial, and maybe we are, but we believe that the Lord is not going to let him die just yet.  Our  family and friends are all very supportive.

For the next post see: Forty Seventh Anniversary
For the previous post see: Family conference

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Family Conference

We had the whole family together at the Hospital in the conference room today.  Bruce sat up and took part in the discussion. We decided that as soon as we have seen the oncologist we will be taking Bruce home to the farm.  He will have nursing help and PSW workers, and will be provided with a hospital bed and anything else he might need.

We also decided to try to get outside help for the business to keep it going.

But none of us can fully grasp the fact that we could lose him any time.  We are still praying for another miracle.  It happened once, it can happen again.

Thanks for all your prayer support.  It means so much.

For the next post see: Improving I hope
For the previous post see: Cancer stage 4