Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Yesterday started so well. I kept trying to figure out some way to be a blessing to someone else, so I wouldn't focus my attention on me. I looked for ways to encourage through F.B. but nothing seemed to present itself, or maybe my own hurting soul was silently staging a protest.
I'm not sure what it was, but I didn't see any opportunity to help anybody.
My daughter was going to a ladies Bible Study that evening. I had never gone. I always hated the idea of going off and leaving my husband by himself. We used to go to a Bible study together.
But there was no husband to leave behind now. I decided to go with Samantha. Maybe I could be a blessing to someone there.
The problem was, I was already feeling very heavy-hearted.
The study turned out to be the type where you do a lot of homework during the week and then get together to go over what you have written. There was no actual Bible reading from the Bible. It all came from a study book.
I felt totally out of place. I was already feeling lost without my husband, and the disoriented feeling that overcame me wiped out any hope I had entertained of helping someone else. In the end, that probably hurt the worst.
I was a total failure that night. And before the ride home was over I was in tears.
I went straight to bed hoping that all would be better in the morning, but instead, I dragged the feelings back out again at dawn, and in spite of the glorious sunshine, I started on another pity party. A big one.
Thank God for family. When I realized that I couldn't stop crying, I called my daughter and son in law, and they came over immediately. The grandkids came along and their crazy cheerfulness and their great big group hugs were a blessing too. It turns out that instead of God using me to bless someone else, God used my family to bless me.
I'm fine now. And with the Lord's help, maybe tomorrow I can be a blessing to someone too.
For the next post see: Never Alone
For the previous post see: Letting the grief seep